ED.

I wrote this a while back when I was competing but I figured I would share it here on my blog..

[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:DocumentProperties> <o:Revision>0</o:Revision> <o:TotalTime>0</o:TotalTime> <o:Pages>1</o:Pages> <o:Words>1377</o:Words> <o:Characters>7850</o:Characters> <o:Company>University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign</o:Company> <o:Lines>65</o:Lines> <o:Paragraphs>18</o:Paragraphs> <o:CharactersWithSpaces>9209</o:CharactersWithSpaces> <o:Version>14.0</o:Version> </o:DocumentProperties> <o:OfficeDocumentSettings> <o:AllowPNG></o:AllowPNG> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings> </xml><![endif][if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves></w:TrackMoves> <w:TrackFormatting></w:TrackFormatting> <w:PunctuationKerning></w:PunctuationKerning> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas></w:ValidateAgainstSchemas> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF></w:DoNotPromoteQF> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>JA</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables></w:BreakWrappedTables> <w:SnapToGridInCell></w:SnapToGridInCell> <w:WrapTextWithPunct></w:WrapTextWithPunct> <w:UseAsianBreakRules></w:UseAsianBreakRules> <w:DontGrowAutofit></w:DontGrowAutofit> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark></w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark> <w:EnableOpenTypeKerning></w:EnableOpenTypeKerning> <w:DontFlipMirrorIndents></w:DontFlipMirrorIndents> <w:OverrideTableStyleHps></w:OverrideTableStyleHps> <w:UseFELayout></w:UseFELayout> </w:Compatibility> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"></m:mathFont> <m:brkBin m:val="before"></m:brkBin> <m:brkBinSub m:val="&#45;-"></m:brkBinSub> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"></m:smallFrac> <m:dispDef></m:dispDef> <m:lMargin m:val="0"></m:lMargin> <m:rMargin m:val="0"></m:rMargin> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"></m:defJc> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"></m:wrapIndent> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"></m:intLim> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"></m:naryLim> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif][if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true" DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99" LatentStyleCount="276"> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"></w:LsdException> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"></w:LsdException> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif][if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]StartFragment

As an online personal trainer/coach, there is one thing that I deal with on a day-to-day basis: disordered eating habits. You may be surprised, but there are hundreds of thousands of women out there who suffer from this. Binge eating, restrictive dieting, obsessive clean eaters, anorexia, bulimia, the list goes on. As a coach, part of my job is to be a resource for my clients, and to be understanding while helping them change their habits. The beautiful thing about all of this is that it is quite easy for me to understand my clients who suffer with this, because I have been a victim of disordered eating as well. And there are certainly days where that old mindset and those old voices try creeping back in.

The crazy thing about eating disorders is that they often slowly develop, but once they are there, it suddenly takes over one’s life. And it usually goes from zero to one hundred. You go from feeling totally in control to feeling completely lost and stuck. I remember when my eating disorder first developed, and I didn’t even realize it was happening. All I was trying to do what watch what I was eating, make better food choices, and instill discipline, but in the end, it backfired. I think I just loved how I began to look… I saw RESULTS and it was so motivating. It motivated me to stick to my new dieting habits and to push myself even further, well, too far. My thoughts quickly became 100% about food. I stressed over food, I thought about what I was going to eat next, I timed out exactly when I would eat, I calculated in my head all day long the exact foods I had eaten and the exact foods I was going to eat later, I obsessed over my calorie intake, I got so nervous when I had dinner plans or anything involving food, I made excuses in my head to avoid certain foods, I was fearful of “junk” food… I literally thought about food 24/7.

And then to make things worse, I not only obsessed over food, but I became obsessive with exercising. I would run around the track in gym class (during high school) and push myself to my absolute limit, and then after school I would do either Track or Cross Country workouts (which involved running miles and miles!!) and I was always the hardest working athlete out there. My drive came from my desire to burn the most calories, not to be the best athlete on the team. So my mindset was clearly very, very skewed. I would go above and beyond what the workouts were for the day, and I always did abs after every workout. At night, before bed, I forced myself to do ab exercises on my floor, too. I was constantly being hard on myself, and I convinced myself that I was never working hard enough, never eating strict enough, and that I could always be doing more. I would obsessively stare at my belly in the mirror, tug on my skin, and analyze every inch of my body. It eventually turned into this dreadful, awful routine. My obsessiveness with food led to an obsessiveness with exercising which led to an obsessiveness with my body image, which then led to depression, anxiety, and sadness. And to make things worse, my friends, my teachers, and my peers all turned on me, gossiped about me, bullied me, and left me feeling completely alone. It was honestly the hardest time of my entire life, and not a day goes by that I don’t think about it. It was almost 5 years ago now, but it feels like it all happened yesterday. It was absolutely awful, but I wouldn’t change it for the world…I am who I am today because of that.

Luckily, I saved myself. And I thank the lucky stars everyday that I was able to escape. Because for a LOT of people, and a lot of my clients, they have dealt with disordered eating habits (and other disorders that spiral from it) for years now. I personally feel like part of my “calling” is to help people who suffer from disordered eating, because I know what it feels like to be alone and feel helpless and I never want anyone else to go through what I have gone through. Especially since a lot of people are not able to get past it like I luckily have. If you are wondering how I moved on from my disorder, welcome to my world. I wonder the same thing. I often look back and analyze the situation and go “HOW did I get past this?” I want to know so that I can help others get past it, too! It actually drives me crazy sometimes because I just want to know exactly what saved me.

Some key things that stand out to me when it comes to my disorder is that, 1. I realized I needed to take control, and not let my eating disorder take control of me. I was starting to have health problems and it really, really made me alarmed. It was a huge wake-up call when I realized that if I didn’t change, I was only going to get worse and I would probably get sick/end up in the hospital. 2. I removed myself from all negativity and focused on ME. I graduated high school early, poured myself into other things (my career, school, working part-time) and kept busy, and kind of became a loner for a while. It sounds weird, but at the time I would have rather been alone than been surrounded by fake friends that didn’t support me. 3. I worked on becoming more positive. I knew that I was depressed and that I was in this strange state of mind where I sort of felt sorry for myself, so I basically just told myself to snap out of it and stop dragging my feet. There was NO point in being sad and feeling sorry for myself, especially when I did this to myself in the first place, so I just focused on really changing up my mindset and trying to focus on the good instead of the bad.

And don’t get me wrong here, I didn’t just snap out of it over night and get past my disorder… it took a long, long time. It took years. My disorder developed in high school, when I was 17, and I wouldn’t say I was completely over it until I was 20. I have been to counselors, dieticians, doctors, and nutritionists. I would go through phases where I felt completely over my disorder, then I would suddenly start having those old thoughts again and start falling back into it. I had a LOT of ups and downs, but I can finally say that I am in the best mindset that I have ever been when it comes to food. The biggest thing that has changed me is that I no longer FEAR food. Food is my fuel, and food is essential. It is not the enemy. It is the exact opposite.

Becoming a figure competitor has honestly helped me drastically with this realization, too. Learning what proper nutrition is and seeing the real results from nourishing your body in the correct manner is all credited to my experiences with competing. Food is the number one factor when it comes to your health and wellness, and bodybuilding has proved that to me. But I do say this with caution, because there are TONS of women out there who are similar to me… they had an eating disorder in the past and they had issues with their body image… but they cannot handle the lifestyle involved with bodybuilding. Bodybuilding can certainly help you, but it can certainly hurt you, too. Trust me when I say this, bodybuilding WILL skew the way you look at food, training, and your body image for the REST of your life. And if you are not mentally capable of handing that, then I suggest that you do not even consider competing. After my first competition, I struggled VERY hard with not falling back into my eating disordered mindset. I actually caught myself falling back into it because my prep for my first competition triggered me to start having that old mindset. Thankfully, I caught it, but for a lot of people, it can be the one trigger that spirals you out of control again. I see far too many women, especially on social media, who compete and definitely shouldn’t, and half the time it is because they had issues in the past that resurface thanks to the sport. They have developed eating disorders and issues with their body image because of prepping for a bodybuilding competition. And nothing makes me more upset than seeing women who used to be completely fine and content with their body, and now they are obsessive when it comes to training and their food intake just because of bodybuilding.

I would like to consider myself a rarity. I have overcome an eating disorder (and other personal issues) all on my own, I am able to compete as a Figure competitor and not let it control my life (BALANCE is key!!!), and I have a healthy and positive mindset when it comes to this lifestyle. Eating disorders are absolutely no joke, and I am NOT saying that you cannot overcome it or that you cannot compete if you have had a disorder before, but I do want you to be aware that many people who have eating disorder struggle with them for years and years. And many women who have disorders are interested in bodybuilding, and it honestly is NOT a good idea unless you are completely over your disorder and have a strong mentality.

My passion is fitness, and part of my mission is to help those who struggle and to shed some light on others. I want to prove that eating disorders can be overcome, that bodybuilding can HELP but it can also hurt many people when it comes to establishing a healthy relationship with food, and that you are never ever alone in this battle.