Sarah's Story: Battling Her Demons
Sarah recently completed one of my P2BF 8 Week Challenges. I had no idea that doing this challenge would be so much more than just a weight loss journey for her. It was a program that offered the perfect type of support that she needed while facing one of the hardest battles of her life. I am blessed to have Sarah in my life, and to be a part of her incredible recovery. Here is her story:
Passion To Be Fit
From The Beginning
I don’t consider myself a “recovered” person, or someone that is “finished” by any means. I took on the Passion to be fit challenge honestly believing I wouldn’t make it. I didn’t say that to myself, but in my heart, I couldn’t look far enough into the future without seeing disappointment. So how did I get through it? I spent every single day fighting. I hunted for the good, even when it was incredibly hard to find. Some days I thought would never end, when others were a breeze. The workouts were awesome, the nutrition was just right, but my head is another story. My name is Sarah and this is my story.
For about five years, I’ve lived in the dark. I’ve done everything in my power to isolate myself within the crowd. Get close enough to know some things about everyone, but avoid letting anyone in, don’t let them see who you are; focus on changing the subject to someone else. And honestly, in a world full of selfish and unreliable people, it was relatively easy. I was able to run and hide and continue to let a disease control my life. I am a compulsive overeater with bulimia. There probably isn’t any trick I haven’t tried in these past five years in order to hide and feed my insanity. Isn’t that crazy to say: insanity. Yeah, it is, but it’s the truth. When someone eats away at your brain so intensely, that even your family looks like the bad guy to you, you’re insane. I wouldn’t let anything or anyone get in the way of my disease. If you were on to me, I manipulated my way out, or plain old dumped you out of my life. Easy come and easy go; what an awful way to live. After five years, my husband had enough. He is the reason I’ve become the fighter I am today, and got me started in a recovery program. Was it hard for me to go to my first meeting; hell yes it was. I wanted to run and hide. I wanted to “recover” on my own, which really meant- hide better. That’s no way to live. I avoided family outings with my husband and children every weekend, in order to aid my insanity. Thinking about that now disgusts me. I disgust myself. How could I let this disease take over my head and heart? How could I isolate myself from the only people that had my back? No more, NO MORE. I needed out, and meetings were the first step towards recovery.
A huge part of recovery is finding someone to talk to. Someone you and be honest with, no matter how you’re feeling, or what you are doing. This is where I found Ashley Nordman. Now I know what you’re thinking: what about your husband? Of course I talked to him, but sometimes, I needed someone else. Talking about really sensitive things to someone who doesn’t love me was easier. I didn’t really expect anything from her either, just someone I could write to whenever I wanted, or send some blogs to when I updated her on my progress. What I got from her was definitely unexpected. The first weeks update I sent her was long. I wrote a journal for each day, some days had two. I had a lot to say, a lot to clear out of my head, and writing to her made sense. After all, to me she was just a trainer with a program I selected that I found on Instagram before I deleted it. What’s the worst she could do, not answer me? But I didn’t get radio silence on the other side, I got a load of support. More like a freight train. She wrote me back the very next day, and with a five hour time difference, I was excited she got back to me so quickly. She had my back. I can’t begin to express the gratitude I have for the support she’s given me. She wrote me like we were old friends. She wrote me honestly, and encouraged my recovery immensely. She sent me a bracelet that holds energy to balance the mind and ease the soul, and I’ve worn it every day since I got it. Yeah, she spent her time looking for something that would help make my recovery easy on me, sent it to me, and communicated with me often to make sure I was doing okay. It was an awesome feeling.
It’s hard being honest, right? I mean, when it comes down to the darkest skeletons in our closet, who is going to step up and own them? I had to. I had to for my life, my family and my future. I would have killed myself with my insanity, and if it ever takes over again, I know I’d be good as dead. So to keep the insanity away (it’s always fighting to be at the surface in my head), I kept myself busy with P2BF. I had to do something with my recovery that could take my mind away from the kitchen. Some days I wake up thinking, well the taste of metal and blood is no longer in my throat, what’s puking up one meal going to harm? Yeah, I have an insane mind. It took weeks for my throat to heal from the years of damage I’ve done to it. Bulimia for me doesn’t mean I have to be skinny- I mean it’s a goal, but it’s not the reason I do it. It’s a mind addiction. I could drink an excess amount of water and feel the compulsion. I could eat clean for weeks and feel it. It’s a compulsion (insanity) that I have to work every day to keep away. So how did P2BF keep my insanity at bay?
When I started P2BF I Weighed 167lb at 5’7. Not all that good for someone who hardly keeps meals down, freaks out and let’s insanity take over when I ate, and binged almost daily- if not multiple times a day. I went to the gym 5-6 days a week and tortured myself. I did The Outlaw Way’s- Outlaw Barbell program. I Olympic lifted myself to physical exhaustion every single day. I wiped myself out and left no room for happiness. My insanity took over when I came home, and by the time I was over my head, I started the cycle over the next day. Things were going from bad to worse, until my husband saved me. God I love that guy. He agreed I should start a new program with this new way of life I’ve come to. I needed a revamp: physical, mental and nutritional changes were completely necessary. It was around Christmas time, and I had just enough money left to enter the program, and I knew it was a sign. The first week was awesome for me. The nutrition was on point, and I was almost back into the 150’s again. I couldn’t believe it. I printed out the P2BF challenge to its entirety and separated it in folders by nutrition, daily workout schedule and the program itself. I was killing it until my appendix nearly ruptured. I went into the hospital three weeks into recovery mentally, but the physical toll my body had undergone was still present. I passed out in the emergency room and my heart stopped. You see, when I let bulimia control my life, I robbed my body of the essential vitamins and nutrients to make my organs hold up, and when things went south with my appendix, my body couldn’t withstand all the chaos and tried to quit. I don’t remember much of the hard things that happened that night, but I do remember very single confession I made to each doctor or nurse I saw. I told them all about my disorder, and what I had been recently doing to overcome it. Surprisingly, I received a lot of support, A LOT. The staff even looked at my P2BF folder (I bring it everywhere with me, even shopping for clothes, I swear) and congratulated me on my journey. Everyone knew it was a long and hard road for me, and didn’t shy away from telling me the awful repercussions of the disease. They looked over my recovery pamphlets and 12 steps program book, and told me words of encouragement. They’d seen women and men affected by this insanity before, and knew what the end always resulted in. I can’t let this kill me, not now. I can do this. I can recover from this and be who I know is being suppressed inside my insanity. I will fight for her for myself and my family. I will fight for my life.
So I did just that. I knew fighting for my life may not have been enough encouragement for me, but for my husband and kids, it was more than enough. I knew they were worth it, and eventually I would come to realize that I was worth it too, that I am enough. Today I am 75 days into recovery. Did you get that? I AM 75 DAYS IN RECOVERY. Today, THIS DAY, I will fight to keep my insanity locked up. Is it easy? Hell no. I’ve had a real hard time with recovery. For example, after I got out of surgery, I found out I couldn’t go to the gym for two weeks, and couldn’t do any ab exercises for six. Oh wow, I thought, it’s over for me. But is wasn’t. My husband and Ms. Nordman had my back, and I stuck with what I could do. I walked after a few days, and stayed on my nutrition plan. I did what I could do, to keep the insanity away. I went to meetings, made phone calls and wrote my journal to keep me out of the kitchen and out of my mind. I let the insanity dwindle in the back, and watched as recovery did magical things for me. I still lost fat, which was really encouraging, and I became friendlier. I starting fighting harder for better days, knowing that if I couldn’t workout, I would need more positivity around me to help fight the insanity. It worked and is the reason I can write with much confidence in myself today. I knew that if I got through those two weeks and stayed honest, I would be a new and improved version of myself. Then I mentally felt at ease, making recovery a lot easier. Going to meetings is great, but they are only once a week, and sometimes I’ve had to miss them, so it makes it crucial that my at home step work and recovery are first on my mind each day. I need to trust in my God and the program before I can trust in myself, because I’ve tortured and nearly killed myself for five years, and at this point I cannot be trusted. Even today I cannot be trusted, and it’s okay. I need to stay diligent with my step work and recovery program to keep the insanity away. I have to hunt for the good every single day, and it is still hard sometimes. But I know that I am worth it. I know I can fight at least today, and not think about tomorrow until tomorrow, if it ever comes. I know that my dreams are more important than insanity, even when it doesn’t feel that way. I know that my family will love me no matter what, and to trust the process of recovery with honesty, because that’s the only way to recover.
So what has changed for me today? Where have I come? For one, I have been in recovery for the first time in my life, and as much as it can suck, it has been amazing. Secondly, after discussing it with my husband, I joined the army- a long time goal of mine. I can’t believe I did it, and I can’t believe I am leaving in less than a month. It’s surreal, and Ms. Nordman was a huge support in my initial discussion of the army and my goals with it. She reassured me that I COULD do anything I wanted to, that I was strong enough. She reassured me that I was enough. So I took the conversation to the next step, and filled out a packet. I discussed my desires with a recruiter, and went to the Military Entrance Program (Meps) building, and signed up. I DID IT. I took a step towards a better tomorrow, with the desire to fight for today. I looked into the future without compulsion, I looked with strength. I had no idea I had that much will inside myself, but with the help of Ms. Nordman and my husband I did it. I will be able to get my master’s degree while I’m in the army, and decide my next move while maintaining a healthy lifestyle. I’m so excited to begin this next step in my life, all thanks to the necessary changes P2BF brought into my life. Today I weigh 150lb at 5’7. I lost 17lbs and 15.5 inches. That’s a lot of insanity I lost and power gained. P2BF changed my life, mentally and physically and empowered me to make one of the biggest decisions I’ve ever made. I owe everything I am to promoting the program and the trainer that empowered me to be who I am today. Ashley Nordman, you are a champion. I may not have looked awful in my Instagram photos over the past five years, but I was mentally destroyed. I lived in my own personal hell, and with an insanity I could not empower myself to control. Thanks to you, I am a better person today. Today I am a fighter, and I will hunt for the good. Today I will work to never have a compulsion today, and one day the fight will be over. I fight for that day, because I am enough and in this for a life free of compulsion and insanity, and I will continue use the twelve step program and the amazing people who have helped me thus far- like Ms. Nordman. She was a staple in my recovery, and her positivity is something I will always remember. She can enlighten anyone in my opinion. I built myself a recovery journal full of passages, pictures and prayers that I can read while I’m at training, and some of the things Ms. Nordman has told me is in there. She really cares about my recovery, and she wrote me with real encouragement and real emotion. That’s what gets me through every day, so I pasted it in my journal as a reminder of not only how far I’ve come, but how far I still want to go. I didn’t expect myself to make it as far as I have, and it’s all thanks to what I’ve said above. I've found incredible strength in myself each day- one day at a time.
If you or someone you know struggles with compulsive overeating, under eating, anorexia or any form of bulimia- speak up. Don’t let them live in the dark, I promise they need you. I promise they want your help. No one wants to live alone in fear. No one wants to kill themselves with this insanity. Choose life for them or yourself. Take the first step, it’s the most courageous thing you’ll ever do. You’ll be saving yourself or whoever you’re helping. Feel free to email me and talk to me. I offer brutal honesty of myself and my life. I won’t lie to you or cover what is happening to me each and every day. I promise that you’re helping me more than I can ever thank you for, and I would do my best to do the same for you. I will give you my number, and you can call me any time. I can do for you what has been done for me. I can offer encouragement and complete discretion. Your life is YOUR life, and you don’t have to tell anyone anything, but you can tell me judgment free. My email issarahwarah21@yahoo.com.
JANUARY 1, 2015
MEASUREMENTS
INCHES
BICEP
12.5
CHEST
34
HIPS
36
WAIST
30
THIGH
24.5
WEIGHT
167 @5'7
February 27, 2015
MEASUREMENTS
INCHES
BICEP
11.25
CHEST
31
HIPS
31.5
WAIST
26
THIGH
21.5
WEIGHT
150 @5'7
*Disclaimer: This post was created to simply offer motivation and support for people who may be going through similar situations as Sarah. Feel free to reach out to her for support and help. My 8 Week Challenges are not designed to help with people who currently suffer from any of these issues, and I am not a professional who can offer medical help. I simply am here as a support system and have created a program that is designed to help you reach your health and fitness goals.
